Yew....! You again, SAM!

为什么以前我没注意到你?

那又为什么现在我注意到你?

如果像从前那样不是很好吗?

脑海里就不会常常想念你

心情也不会因为你而起伏不定

I feel like singing, I feel like dancing, I feel like doing some other things to divert my attention.

I just hope that I stop thinking so much

Things aren't the same anymore

People change

And I fear of certain change

Lord, may You just pull me through. May you protect my heart.

I know You want me to be happy. I just know that.

1 Cor 13:4-8 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believe all things, hopes all things, endure all things. Love never fails.

This is the love You have given me.

Busyness.....

In these few days, I have been busy. I have been spending lotsa time understanding employee engagement and 2 paintings in order to do my essays. However, everytime when I wanted to write, I have nothing in my head. As I have been busy I have been feeling tired as well. Yesterday when my juniors got their results for their A levels, I was super high until at night. Yet, I was so on to go for a supper. This resulted in lack of sleep for today's activity: NTU Open House. Today is a killer also. I have been walking up and down. However, I have a great bunch of collegues for they are so fun to be with. There are definitely many stories to tell for these two days. The time we spend with friends is definitely memorable. Being togather with my juniors definitely bring back lotsa funny memories. Even when we have not seen one another for long, the feeling when we are together is still the same. Especially when my juniors said, "Why you wanna come here? No one wants to go NTU one!" (I went back AC to promote NTU) "Fatso, you come here for wat?" "Hey, you still owe me a meal......ok?" "Samantha, you are very auspicious. Because you have 38, 33, 38." Ya, all these things that my cheeky juniors have said to me tell me that they are still the same. Of course, I am still happy when I am bullied by my guy juniors, my gal juniors will stand up for me, haha. This chance to meet these kinds of people is too rare. Just want to hope that the relationship will not end. I have been tired also because there is one thing keeps occupying my mind. Day and night. It is just too powerful for me to not let me have a good night sleep. I wanna keep praying about it...

Narcissus

I  have always been using narcist, or narcissism, words like that. What I never know is that Narcissus is part of the Greek mythology.

Interesting.. Haha.. In the mythology, Narcissus fell in love with his own reflection, i.e. fell in love with himself. As he can't get what he loved, he then died and became a flower.

There are many versions of his story. One of it is Narcissus dived into the water in order to get closer to what he loved, he drowned himself. After he died, the lake into which he dived, turned into a salty lake.

"Why do you weep?" the goddesses asked. "I weep for Narcissus" the lake replied. "I am surprised that you weep for Narcissus," she said, "for though we always pursued him in the forest, you were the only one that could contemplate his beauty close at hand." "But... was Narcissus beautiful?" the lake asked. – “You do not know that?" the goddesses said in wonder. "After all, it was by your banks that he knelt every day to contemplate himself!"

The lake was silent for some time. Finally, it said: "I weep for Narcissus, but I never noticed that Narcissus was beautiful. I weep because, each time he knelt beside my banks, I could see, in the depths of his eyes, my own beauty reflected."

What the lake said touched my heart. A lot of times, when other people praise us, or see the good in us, we will treat them better. That's why sometimes if we want to engage a person in a conversation, it is good to sort of praise the person, or say things that the person likes. In a way, we all like ourselves. When we see the beauty in us, we feel happy. But we are insecure, that's why we need praises.

I wish other than looking my reflection from this person's eyes, I can see more than that. Can I?

P.S, I Love You

Ok, when there is someone tells you that you can get 2 free tickets for movie P.S. I Love You by just paying 5 bucks for a magazine, what do you do?

Me, of course buy the magazine lar! Free movie tickets, who don't want? Hahaha.... So cheapskate... =P

So ya, I had 2 free movie tickets and I asked for people accompanying me to go via MSN. Hee, though there was a little problem during the process, I still got a friend to teman me watching movie! Glad! Hee..

Actually, initially I have been wanting to watch. Heard that this is a nice movie. Read its short synopsis also, it seems not bad. It talks about how a super loving husband guides his wife to get over the grief of him being passed away.

After watching the movie, OMG, it was super good! I was touched, deeply. It was so touching that I can't help feeling want to cry. He is soooo sweet!!! I doubt there will be guys like him existing in this world though I hope to have someone like him.

He knows his wife well soo much. He knows how to make her laugh, he knows how to coax her, he knows how to persuade her... Awww.... I want this guy, haha.. He knows that he is going to die soon and he plans ahead! He knows that she does not plan much, so he plans for her. He knows how is she going to feel when he is not there anymore...

There are many many letters he has written to her. Each one ends with P.S. I Love You. When he is sick, he still thinks of her soo much that he plans for her and writes letters. How touching...

The first message of his asks her to go enjoy on her 30th birthday. She still senses his presence even he has long passed away. She is in such a mess before receiving the surprising present from him. After that she starts receiving letters. In many different ways. Isn't he very romantic? He is so enthusiastic to give her many surprises when he cannot be there for her. But he is supposed to be reaching the end of his life..

Everytime he asks her to do something, memories of him comes. It is the most touching when she is in his home. He tells her about their first meeting, how funny it is and how much he has been attracted to her by then. It is indeed very funny, and it is also very sweet for him to remember the details. But after all the sweet memories, the fact that he is not there anymore is grieving. Haiz...

The switch of funny to sad is too much. How can sadness come in so fast after the happiness? Every sweet memories just aggravate the sadness. Like initially you thought you were in the top of the world, then suddenly, you are at the bottom of all else.

Still, for a movie to be able to influence your emotions, I guess it is well-made enough. Hah, probably you would say I am too sentimental d.. =)

What is the end of the story? Haha, go and watch yourselves! There are many things to lookout for too! Not only the love of husband, there is also love of best friends and family. Funny conversations would definitely make you enjoy the whole journey.

It is a good deal I have never expected for. Thank God for it, haha...

Hmm...

有时候，蛮讨厌脑海里一直有同样的东西浮现。感觉上好像自己很得空，整天想东想西。其实, 我的功课很多啊，为什么我不要想功课呢？

其实，我怕感到失望。我怕想多了，什么事也不会发生。到时候，就懊悔干嘛花这么多时间在想这件事。简直在浪费时间。

唉呀，总之就不想为任何东西感到烦恼了！

Just wanna say sth..

Hey! This is another post after soo long.. Hee..

There have been many things happened to me. Mainly these things affect me emotionally. It was so hard to face it but with God's grace, I am still sane today.

There are many many temptations. I have been thinking have I not been so firm on my principles, what would happen to me today. I have been tempted to feel regret of doing things that I should do for God. I don't deny until now I still feel the temptations, especially when my memories flooding into my mind.

Somehow it is not so easy to tell ppl of my struggle. Perhaps I am shy to tell. Or perhaps I just want to protect my heart, can't really afford to let it be hurt very hard again. However, for certain things, it's like if u never fall/fail, u will never succeed. Still, I am very protective of my feelings. I don't want to show the most inner, the most true emotions. Sometimes it is not holy. Sometimes it is not consistent to my principles, values and persanality.

But if I don't tell, no one would know. Only God knows.

i was complaining, "Lord, this is too hard. This is just too hard for me to accept. Are you testing me? Why does it have to be so hard?... Please lead me Lord.. I feel miserable, please lead me Lord.."

Then I read a book talking abt the pursuit of holiness. Sometimes, we just have to have faith. Since Lord is holy, he knows what is correct, what is wrong. We just need to work hard to be like Him, other things are secondary. The path that I am walking on is correct as long as I am obedient to Him. Anything we go through, He knows.

2 Cor 6:14 Do not unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?

I have to obey.

Emo... ?!

Finally I have the desire to post an entry. Lol..

Well, I have been emo and high, high and emo for sometimes. Perhaps now my yin and yang are not balanced, resulting in having two extreme emotions.

The reason for it I don't know. But I can only accept it. I have been frustrated as why I should feel emo due to certain things. As if this is a very big thing in my life. Perhaps it is something that I have not achieved and be satisfied about. It seems to be always the same problem and sometimes other things add on to it, making me feel burdened.

I can't get rid of it.

Everytime when I am overwhelmed by it I pray to God. Though I obtain the temporary peacefulness, it has never been away from my life. I am getting impatient. I am getting frustrated. What can I do?

Luckily, I can still smile. Luckily, it doesn't affect my routine too much. But it affects my feelings. I wish I can control my feelings.

Is this another trial that God wants me to go through? If yes, I would rather He just takes my life and let me join Him in heaven. Cause it is really hard to manage my feelings. I have no control over it.

And I feel low confident. Aiks, this is no good at all.

Is there a bigger surprises waiting for me? Hopefully there is..

But one surprise has happened. One of my sec school senior is studying in NTU! Hmm, though we were not close, hope he can fit into uni life here. Actually, if it is not him, I would not realise what an interesting malaysian community it is in NTU. Everybody is so unique and interesting. Suddenly I feel that I like them a lot! Haha...

Crazinessss......

Am I crazy? I think I am! Lol, what am I doing in the second last day before my final day of EXAM? Wasting my time here man... Hehe, perhaps not.. I dunno.. Guess I can only gain back my sanity after my super difficult Business Law.. *sigh*

Think I haven't touched on something that I frequently feel in uni here ever since I study here. You know sometimes you reach a point where you know there is a change in your life. You know you are gonna experience something different. You are excited about it, yet you are uncertain what your life is gonna to lead you to. You move on and reach another phase of your life. You experience and, at the same time, try to adapt yourself in a new environment.

But this word, "loneliness", has never failed to come across in our lives.

Especially after you have had great friends with you all the time before the change.

I remember myself complaining a lot when I first came. No lift! No bedsheet, no pillow! No fridge! No broom, no mop! Nothing! Argh, so different from my previous hostels! It was then I realised how well my previous hostels' people have taken care of me. And it was then I knew I need to appreciate them more. Not that I never appreciate them, but I need to do more. :)

I didn't join any freshmen orientation camp (FOC). It was kinda bad huh? Perhaps lar, but I was very arragont in the sense that I believed I can manage to know people via some other ways. So I went to visit some of my friends and people whom I saw the need catching up with.

Well, I did know some of the people here myself. As in I tried to know many people, mainly Malaysians, through my friends who I know have joined FOC. I was a bit thick-skinned when I took the initiative to know new people. I thought I needed to know many many people. Think my eagerness has got some of the people thinking I was a senior instead of freshie, lol! XP I must add, it is definitely not because I look old! Hahax

Yet, as I was walking back my room on my own many times, eating in canteen or my room alone many times, I thought, it was so great, so fun last time in hostel. I was pampered, unknowingly, by the people there. My exroommies, juniors and friends. All the time when we were together chatting, laughing, sharing, teasing, gossipping, eating, playing, studying...... etc etc filled in my mind. I was like blaming myself, you lar, so stupid! why on earth choose NTU! see lar, get all the trouble yourself! Complaining, complaining, complaining... Lol... Luckily there was God whom I can rely on, if not I can hardly find the strength to smile even.

As a girl, (I am not saying this applies to all..), I then thought if there is someone who can always be there when I need someone to rely on here, it can be very very nice..! (Sounds so despo.. HEY, I am NOT!! Lol...) Well, I just express what I thought frankly lar, lol.. Sometimes even though there is God whom you can rely on all the time (and indeed when you really rely on Him, you can find rest!), some part in you might nudge you and make you think of the possibility. Well, of course it is not easy to find that "someone", Lord will definitely provide one, just that you don't know when this "someone" appears. But one bad thing about thinking the possibility of meeting the "someone" is you start to guess who is that "someone". Is this cute guy the one? Or this athletic guy the one? I like to be with him, hopefully he is the one.. So many thoughts going on in your mind.....BAD!!!! At the end what to do? Find rest in God! ;)   

However, one good thing could be you get to know more about your taste, haha.. For example, I like him when he is like this but I don't like him when he is like that. Hahaha... But the interesting part of life is you might end up with someone whom you complain a lot! It hasn't happened to me but it could be, as a retribution of me being so demanding, lol! ;D

I don't know what is going to happen to me. Perhaps that "someone" is gonna to take very long time to appear (God is determined in testing my patience.. hehe). I once dreamt to get married early and one of my friends was like so sure that I'll be the first one among us to tie the knot with the one I love (who might be the second I love the most after God!). Laugh out loud! I wonder how did she has the conviction to think so when I am still single now. Yet, what she said was comforting too! At least I am not the kind which no guys would like. Haha!

Praise the Lord, although my special someone has not appeared, at least now there are people whom I can eat meals together with. Though most of the time I gotta sacrifice some of my free SMSs just to get some friends to eat with me, it is worth to do so, who ask me to be a social person. No one talks to me I can die one, hahaha.... I remember reading this from my dear junior's blog, the special someone is the one whom I choose to love. But how do I know I am really ready to love? Haha, guess when I am convinced that I 'choose' to love someone, he will be my future husband already. Commitment.. you know... haha XP

Wellz... spending quite some time on this girl stuff.. time to go back to my studies! Seriously I have no confidence in doing my Business Law paper.. So many things! and I don't know how to apply! *sigh* *cross my fingers* Lord, please help me!!!!

10-11-07 Birthday Celebration

This was a special day as Sean and I had been anticipating. Why? Because we were the 'programmers' for the birthday celebration of Xin Yi, whose birthday falls on this date.

Then we decided to add one more girl, Yok Yin, whose birthday is on 13 Nov.

In the midst of the planning, my dear programmer was included as well, as his birthday falls on 20 Nov!

Wow, what a job to plan for these people! However, with God's grace and the love from all friends, the planning and the preparation and the execution were as smooth as possible.

What we planned was to give big big surprise to Xin Yi and Yok Yin, while on my part, I liaised with Siew Loong, another buddy of Sean, to give Sean big big surprise as well.

So, we didn't want ADM, as the birthday girls will sure suspect when they went there. We didn't want to have a simple surprise. We wanted the secrecy, the unexpected surprise, the memorable effects.

From the idea of making use of arrows to get them to a place intended, we made it more complicated when we thought that the first idea might not be able to get the girls out of their rooms, especially during this exam period. We decided to bluff the girls that they were involved in testing a treasure hunt kind of game for next yr MSA FOC. We planned how to bluff, how to prepare the routes such that it looked real, the end place, the card, the cake, the process of the game, the present.. anymore? I can't remember. For the presents, they were bought last minute as we actually didn't contemplate buying. Yet, it was good that they were bought.

What's the end result? Well, definitely they were surprised! Even though there were some 'setbacks', like the drizzling, someone said sth unintentionally tt caused Yok Yin to suspect, my lousy acting and some part of the plan wasn't executed, they were insignificant compared to the surprise the birthday ppl had got.

Well, Xin Yi and Yok Yin suspected a bit, Sean didn't! Yay!! So my acting wasn't that bad at all! As I was always there planning with him, he didn't suspect that Siew Loong and I had another plan for him.

Another thing added to the fun would be the sabotage for both Sean and Yok Yin. It was soo fun and noisy, yet no guard interrupted us! What a fun!

So fun to plan surprises for people. While I was planning, I remembered last time when four of us staying in a room, we planned for one another's birthday and it was getting more and more surprising. I remembered how we prided ourselves that we were good birthday planners! Lol.. But as we are in different uni now, deprives us the chance of continueing our talents for one another, I am glad that there's a chance here, there are friends here, both allow surprises to happen. What a satisfaction! Thank God. :)

I wanna blog about this!

Yes! I am enthu of blogging abt this! I feel happy, haha...

Yes, have been thinking of Him all the while. Thinking of what He has given to me, from the day He created me till today.

He has given me whatever I need. He has shaped me to what I am today. I take it a joy when I care for someone. Even though sometimes I care too much and don't receive what I hope to get, I still feel happy that at least I take the choice to care. He has been helping me in so many occasions that I can't help growing passionate about Him. I hope that this will last forever and ever and ever.

There has been kindness everywhere in my life. I am really thankful about that. I know there might be times where I can't see kindness but during these periods, I want to be strong in Him. Seeking Him and being able to talk to Him, hearing His voice, knowing Him become things that I really want to pray about everyday.

I know I have done some mistakes too. Sometimes I might value some things or a person too much, so much so that I thought these are the things or he/she is the one who is able to give me great joy. Along the way I feel the disappointment and sadness. Yet, thinking of Him gives me strength. Even though there are a lot of times I am alone here walking, hence feeling lonely, when I start telling Him how I feel, I am satisfied and happy. I start to smile broadly. I know I have to sacrifice some of the things I care for for Him, I know it might be hard but... I'll try to do that for the greatest is from Him.

If I have things that I value a lot, I would set them aside and give thanks to God. If I have someone I really like, I would thank God for the chance to care and like the person. If I have some feelings I hold on to tightly, I would thank God for the suffering for Lord always knows what is good for us and what we need.

This blog is a love posting for Him for He has created me today for His purpose. I am searching for the purpose. I hope I will still be faithful to Him, no matter what, as He is always faithful to me. I'll sing love songs to Him; I love Him so much, as He has loved me so much that He has given His only Son to die for us.